From my heart…..

I fell asleep in my recliner last evening, as often occurs, and realized that it was after midnight, and already our anniversary.  I was tired, the activity counter on my phone which remained in my pocket the entire day, said that I had taken 17,041 steps yesterday, over seven miles which included walking and doing yard work, repotting, planting and pounding some edging along the mulched area by my patio so tiny sprouts would not be weed whacked by the landscape crew.  

Woke this morning, and memories of my love brought tears to my eyes.  I reached out to the spot where his head would lie as I do every night and every morning.   I didn’t check my phone until after 8:00 AM, and found messages from each of my children, letting me know I was in their thoughts with a note from our oldest son sharing that he would be live on Facebook with a morning devotional at 7 AM.  I had already missed it, but was able to find it and listen to it.  He shared about how God uses experiences from our past to teach us and help us grow spiritually, that if we are not in the midst of a storm now, there is one on the horizon, but to remember that Jesus is our anchor.  As I listened I remembered one of his dad’s favorite songs, "the Anchor Holds."  It was a song that our youngest son and his beautiful wife sang many years ago when we visited them in Argentina.  If you have never heard the testimony of Lawrence Chewning and the inspiration of how it was written in a time of deep heart and open brokenness, and listened to him singing it  "his way," it will speak to a part of your soul and touch your heart as never before.  Most of us are familiar with it being sung by Ray Boltz  after he asked for permission to record it.  I also thought about the faithfulness of our daughter, who calls me every day to give me encouragement and the joy of being able to see her on Mother's Day..  

This morning, I saw a memory pop up on my Facebook page written two years ago which shared my thoughts during that time.  It was an emotional experience but  I can look back on the journey that God has given me and know that He will continue to lead, as I seek Him and the season that is ahead, trusting in His Grace and abiding in His presence.  

I pray that the message written then might be an encouragement to someone in their walk today.

#Remembering#Pastgifts#PresentBlessings#FutureGrace#God’sFaithfulness#MercyForever

Today, I would have celebrated 45 years of marriage with the love of my life. I am sad that we cannot make new memories, but give glory to God for every precious moment of the life we shared together. I’ll never forget the words my love wrote on May 1, 1973, in a note that he gave to me….”this is ‘our month,’ he said, “ in 11 days you will become my bride.” I loved when he introduced me to others “as his bride.”

God brought William Edward Mills quietly into my life on January 27, 1973, at a get acquainted party in the apartment complex where we lived in Virginia. After sharing conversation and dancing most of the entire evening with only him, he walked me to my car, asked for my phone number and the next week brought me soup when I was sick. It soon became evident that this was the man with whom I wanted to grow old, the one God meant for me. His love changed my life and made me want to become a better person. In March, he proposed on a trip home from Patuxent River NAS where he took me to meet special friends who were his adopted family when he was stationed in Rota, Spain. We stopped in a little town, Lexington Park, MD, and took a walk, holding hands, excited about sharing our news with family and beginning to plan our marriage.

We exchanged vows in a little chapel on May 12, 1973, and on that day as we knelt before God, family and friends, we shared a prayer that I had written and given to our guests. In part, it said..

“Father, our hearts are filled with great happiness. This is our wedding day. We come before you at the altar of love, pledging our lives and our hearts to one another.

Grant that we may be ever true and loving, living together in such a way as to never bring shame or heartbreak into our marriage.

The marriage service leaves us looking out along a road that leads to endless joy. There will be hardships along that road, and disappointments.  Much that is ahead is uncertain, but some things can be depended on as absolutely sure.  “Faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”  Temper our hearts, O LORD, with kindness and understanding and rid them of all pretense or jealousy.

Help us to be sweetheart, helpmate, friend and guide, and together may we meet the cares of life more bravely.

May our home truly be a place of love and harmony where your Spirit is ever present.  Bless our wedding day, we pray, and walk beside us Father, through all our life together.” Amen

God gently took my love home on January 5, 2018, 127 days ago. I miss him so much, his gentle smile across the room, his hands holding mine as we prayed together, his little love notes left on the kitchen island, and his special way of saying, “Have I told you today how much I love you!” I miss sharing our thoughts, his finishing my sentences, and me finishing his, or saying to each other. “I was thinking the same thing.” I want to feel his arms around me, laugh at his silly jokes, dance in the living room, and watch him with our granddaughters, as he makes tiny footballs with paper drinking straw wrappers, and shows them how to kick “field goals” across the table between “finger goalposts.” I want to walk beside him, holding hands as we give thanks for the awesomeness of God’s creation, or lift our hands in praise and worship at REVERB church. I want to listen to him talk to our children and hear him telling them “he loves them.” And I long to share those moments when I would see him with his Bible open and meditating on God’s Word.

As I grieve, and wonder how long this ache will remain, and I ask myself how long will my tears continue to fall, I am learning that it is OK to cry, that it is normal to have unpredictable emotions, that I don’t have to put my grief in a time frame, I can let others know when I am struggling, and I can come to Jesus and He will give me rest. I must run the race, live in faith, believing the truth, and “look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.” HE has already blazed the trail and finished the course. I must walk in it, live my life with joy, rejoicing in the God who made me, loves me and “is acquainted with all my ways” and understands when inevitably, the tears come again. When the heaviness and emptiness in my heart feels like it won’t go away, I must move forward, and the light will return. Though the process may be painful, it will happen only as I abide in Him. I have the hope of the resurrection, the return of Christ, and know with HIS assurance that everything will work together for my good and HIS GLORY!

I remember the songs that I had asked my cousin to sing on that day 45 years ago ”The Lord’s Prayer” and “I’ll Walk with God.” The words were an inspiration to us then and even more in my life today.

I pray daily for God’s forgiveness for not always understanding His will, that He will help me to lean on Him for strength, and that He will place others in my path who need someone to listen, so that I can encourage them. I thank Him for the love and support of our children and friends, for His faithfulness, enduring promises and mercy and for His continuing Grace in my life. And I’m thankful that my beloved is where he longed to be, his heavenly home. “One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.” (Psalm 27:4) The man God chose for me loved his family, it made him happy just to be with us, however, God was calling him.  It was his appointed time.  There is no more pain, no more difficulty breathing…his spirit now “praising the name of the Lord, our God for endless days.”  He is happy to be with HIM!

“The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint and to him who has no might, He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they that wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

I have found that my loss has heightened the love I have for my loved ones. Each of them is experiencing grief that is uniquely their own. God is not surprised by any of our responses and He alone knows our needs. Though I have lost a part of my identity, God’s unfailing love is ever with me and has made me more aware of other couples I see. When I spot a husband waiting patiently for his wife while she shops, watch couples shopping for groceries, observe a husband do an act of kindness for his wife, simply see them holding hands, worshipping, walking in front of me with their arms joined or crossing the parking lot together, I immediately pray that God will bless their lives together. And I will be reminded of the gift we all had, a husband, Dad, Poppa, and Grandpa.

So on this day, I remember our journey together, recommit to walk this new path by faith and celebrate his life. And as I write and say these things out loud to the LORD, my GOD, I’m encouraged by these words…..“when my heart is faint, He leads me to the rock that is higher than I.” Thank you, JESUS!