God has been preparing me this week as the memories of five years ago flooded my heart and soul. As I continued my study from Psalm 90, "The Numbers Book," the oldest, the Psalm of Moses, the words speaking to the eternality of God, contrasting with the brevity of man: a thousand years like one day to God, and man's life as a vapor. Our life, a particle swept away like a flood, a blade of grass that sprouts, fades, withers and dies in a day. Later in verse 12, "teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom." Psalm 91 assures of the faithfulness of God's protection, reminding us the deliverance must be the will of God, and even when harm comes, we can still be secure and trust in Him alone.
I can remember with clarity the actions of those last weeks in 2017, and then the first five days of 2018. December had flown by. It was our tradition to spend the first or second Friday in December in Ocala with our daughter and attend the Christmas cantata at her church, and that year, we stopped first in Gainesville for an audiology appointment at VA, and were spending the night in Gainesville, before driving to Ocala. While I was in the waiting room, I received a call that someone was interested in our house. They made an offer the next day and we accepted a few days later, expecting our moving process to be 30-45 days in the future, however we then discovered they were pre-approved and wanted to close in December. We stood firm that we could not close until January 8, 2018. December was a whirlwind of packing for me and Stephanie came to help on the weekends and took extra days off to help. Her dad was working on a project for her and she helped him organize his tools into bins to keep and miscellaneous to toss. We spent time with family at a gathering in late December with traditional favorites, reminiscent of my love's growing up years, prepared by his sister, and some Texas dishes, brought from San Antonio by a niece we had not seen in years, and got to meet a great nephew, who was thrilled by his Uncle Bill.
On December 31st, New Year's eve day, after church at Reverb and a hot dog lunch, Stephanie had gone with us to take some items to a small storage unit, mirrors, glass shelves, and fragile items before our move on Saturday, January 6th. Monday, the 2nd, it was packing, labeling and moving boxes out of the way to make room to walk around. Tuesday was an appointment at the Pulmonary doctor next to St. Vincent's Clay for a checkup and secure a recommendation for an Pulmonologist in St. John's County. Wednesday, we drove to St. Augustine to close on our current home, following a stop in Green Cove Springs to get my love coffee, and a sausage biscuit, not his usual healthier egg McMuffin but it was a celebratory day. We arrived in St. Augustine at the Title office, where he had another coffee and we signed the necessary paperwork and enjoyed fellowship. We would meet with Dawn again in a few hours for a final walk-through in our new home, then Isabel would meet us there, and we would take a few more items to storage. She had wanted to be sure my love did not do anything more than stay inside of the building while she and I unloaded on that bitter cold day. We headed back to Green Cove Springs, but stopped at a McDonald's on 210 to get the girls a treat, however, a call from Billy asked Isabel to head back to our house, so it was just my love and I. He did not eat, anticipating what Isabel would make for dinner, and I just had fries and an ice cream. The evening was good and we enjoyed time with the girls as they had just returned from Palm Coast, the day before.
The next morning, my love was not feeling well, and we drove him to the ER where Lydia helped him into a wheelchair and pushed him to the sign in desk. We were seen almost immediately and it was determined he needed to be admitted. Later that afternoon after Stephanie arrived, she went home to get his C-Pap machine. After calling Paul, we face timed our family in Maryland so he could talk to them and see our granddaughters. We had not been able to get in touch with his cardiologist and the hospital made the decision to transfer him to ICU, and waited for a cardiologist on call. there. In ICU, a link was set up with a cardiology unit in another state and he was monitored throughout the evening. Early the next morning, January 5, 2018, he woke up struggling with his breathing machine and within minutes I saw his head turn to the side and watched helplessly, as nurses rushed in to the room. I have relived those hours over and over and asked myself what I missed, but I know that God was in control and his assignment on earth was complete.
My journey in the last five years has been filled with spiritual growth, often times difficult, but being aware that grief is a process, I must trust the LORD, be thankful for each day, do the next thing, treasure the memories, know that God has the perfect plan for my life, and He is never in a hurry, but always on time. Those are phrases, my love often quoted, and yesterday I found a spiral notebook, filled with "sermon notes," for his jail ministry, notations and scripture references in the margins, quotations from Biblical scholars, and words that will forever encourage me. A favorite is of C. S. Lewis, "all that is not eternal is eternally useless." Also in the notebook are occasional pages filled with drawings from our granddaughters, as they picked it up from his desk and decided to leave a picture for Poppa/Grandpa at one time or another.
As I read words he had written through the years, I hear the message that he meant for others and now is speaking to me. "You will not be in heaven 2 seconds before you cry out, why did I place so much importance on things that were so temporary? What was I thinking? Why did I waste so much time, energy and concern on what wasn't going to last? When life gets tough, when you are overwhelmed with doubt, or when you wonder if living for Christ is worth the effort, remember that you are not home yet! At death, you won't leave home - you'll go home, if you are a Christian." "Lord remind me how brief my time on earth will be."
One page is titled "Accepting your Assignment." It states "we were all planned for God's pleasure. The moment you were born, God was there as an unseen witness, smiling at your birth. God did not need to create you, but he chose to create you for His own enjoyment. You exist for His benefit, His glory, His purpose and His delight. When you fully understand this truth, you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant. God has a job for you to do, only you can do it. You were created to add to life on earth. This is your ministry or service. You were saved to serve God..Not because we deserve it but because that was His plan. In God's kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role and a function to fulfill. There is no small service to God, it all matters."
I should not say I found these words yesterday. I know that God led me to them. .. to bring encouragement to my life, when at times I allow anxiousness to creep into my life and steal sleep, and perhaps to encourage another in their walk.
Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift, and His faithfulness to me always. ALL GLORY TO GOD!
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